After that little disaster, I didn’t plan on wearing a diaper in public ever again, but two things happened to change that very quickly.

The first happened the Saturday morning after that practice with Andrew. I went to bed wearing a dry diaper, and when I woke up, the diaper was soaked. I lay there for a few minutes wandering what was wrong with me, physically and mentally. I was screwing up what had once been a perfectly reliable bladder. Nothing like this had ever happened before. I’d never had a problem with wetting the bed. Only once did I ever remember wetting the bed, when I was about eight, had pneumonia, and was on so many drugs that I slept for fifteen hours at a time. I considered giving up diapers but that seemed too hard.

The next night, I didn’t wear a diaper, but I did spread a towel underneath my sheet, hoping it would protect the mattress if I peed again. I went to the bathroom before bed like I always did, but I didn’t make any effort to limit my drinks. I wanted to see what happened under normal conditions when I wasn’t wearing a diaper.

Much to my relief, I was dry the next morning and the morning after that, and the morning after that. So I wore a diaper Tuesday night, thinking the wetting incident was just a one-time thing. The next morning, I was wet. I didn’t wear a diaper to bed the next two nights, and stayed dry. Then I wore one again, and sure enough, I was wet the next morning. This was an interesting pattern, and I wished I felt comfortable enough to discuss it with a doctor. I wondered if my body just knew when it was okay to not hold it all night, like classical conditioning. Maybe I was no smarter than a dog who associated a bell with meat and drooled for it. I associated a diaper with peeing freely. Just the same, I decided to limit how often I wore a diaper to bed. Before, I’d worn one about three times a week, and I decided to cut back to once a week. It would suck, but I was scared of what I might do to myself otherwise.

The next thing happened a week or so later during rehearsal. The concert was the next evening, and Andrew and I were rehearsing with the entire orchestra onstage. The main point of this rehearsal was to practice coming on and offstage at the right times and get used to singing in the auditorium. We even had an audience. A lot of people had invited their friends to come watch, and then some teachers, including my biology teacher, decided to stop by. We’d been working on “One Day I’ll Fly Away” for awhile. I was getting quite a bit of practice singing solo, since Andrew wasn’t in this song. There was one part towards the end where the violins did a tricky part, the music crescendoed, and then I came in. The violins were having a lot of trouble with this. Mr. Matthews’ face was turning pretty red and he kept yelling at the orchestra for not practicing enough.

“This time I’d like to have just the first violins, at bar 75, please,” he told them.

I stood there holding the mike, waiting for the soft hum of the violins. The first violins started and right before I was supposed to start singing again, I saw Vince come in the auditorium door, and then I missed my cue. I started a half-second late with “One day I’ll fly away…” and in that moment of nervousness, felt myself starting to pee. I caught it quickly and only a little drop came out. Flustered, I stopped singing at about the same time as Mr. Matthews stopped us.

“I – I’m sorry,” I said. “I just…”

“It’s all right,” Mr. Matthews interrupted. “Let’s try that one more time with everyone.”

That time, we all got it right, and after a few more things Mr. Matthews let us go for the day. I went to go meet Vince.

“You sounded great!” he told me.

“What are you doing here? I thought you had Spanish club…honey.”

He looked a little hurt. “We finished early. I thought you’d like me to hear you sing.”

I sighed. “I do. It’s just having you there made me nervous.”

“Well, you’re going to have to get used to singing in front of people. The concert’s tomorrow.”

“Don’t remind me,” I said with a sigh. Now I was nervous about more than just messing up my notes. All I needed was to pee myself in a moment of stage fright.

Vince’s eyes moved sideways to peer at Andrew, who was talking to Mr. Matthews. “So is that our Ewan McGregor?”

“Yes. You want to meet him?”

“He looks like he should be in an Avril Lavigne video.”

“You don’t exactly look like Ewan, either. He’s a good guy. He gave me a ride home from rehearsal a few times.”

“What, on his skateboard?”

“Oh, stop it. Besides, I don’t think he skates. He surfs.”

Just then, Andrew caught my eye, smiled and came over. “Hey, I’ll see you tomorrow night, okay? We’re gonna kick some Moulin Rouge ass.”

“If we don’t suck ass.”

“Oh, relax. Pretend everyone’s in their underwear.”

“What, so I can puke?” I glanced over at Vince. “Oh, by the way, Andrew, this is my boyfriend Vince.”

Andrew stuck out his hand and Vince, with slight hesitation, shook it. “Nice meeting you, man. Your girlfriend’s really cool.”

“I think so too,” Vince said, putting his arm around me.

“She talks about you all the time,” Andrew added. Vince relaxed some and smiled.

“Go to bed early,” I told Andrew, getting into concert prep mode. “Drink some tea.”

“Forget tea,” he replied. “A few shots of Peppermint Schnapps will clear up anything you have. Of course, then you can barely stand up, but if you were able to sing, you’d sound great.”

I laughed. “Okay. See you tomorrow.”

By the time I got home from school the next afternoon, I was sure I wasn’t going to make it through the night. There was my stomach, for one thing. I’d started feeling like I was going to puke right after lunch and the feeling still hadn’t let up. Probably a virus which would spread to my vocal cords, no doubt. I also felt slightly dizzy and when I thought about getting up in front of all those people tonight, my heart started pounding.

“I can’t sing tonight. I’m sick,” I announced to Aunt Jenny, who was working on her computer in the office.

She didn’t even look up. “What’s wrong?”

“Well, I’ve got some kind of stomach bug and I keep feeling like I’m going to faint, and I think I’ve got some kind of heart anomaly because it’s beating really fast,” I said dramatically.

She still didn’t appear very concerned. “I think you’re just nervous.”

“Well, you would be too if you were on your death bed.”

Jenny felt my forehead. “You’re just nervous,” she said again.

“I can’t sing tonight,” I moaned.

“You have to,” she said calmly, turning back to her computer. “Why don’t you get a snack? I was going to take you kids out to dinner after the concert.”

“I can’t eat a thing. My throat is constricting.”

“Mmm hmm. What time do you have to be at school?”

“6:15, but I’m not going.”

“Well, be ready to leave by six, then,” Jenny said, typing busily. “If you don’t want a snack, go start your homework. I need to make a phone call.”

I wandered around the house for awhile, wishing I’d never auditioned for this in the first place. I was going to embarrass myself in front of the whole school. The same scenario kept playing over and over in my head:

It’s seven o’clock and the auditorium is completely packed. The orchestra plays a few songs and then it’s time for me to come onstage. Andrew and I walk on, take our mikes and wait for our cue. I begin to sing but nothing comes out except a croak. Then suddenly I realize I have to pee. Really badly. Can’t hold it. It’s burning my legs, forming a puddle at my feet, soaking my dress and shoes. The audience starts to laugh loudly. The orchestra stops playing. I’m standing there holding my mike, dumbfounded. Andrew is staring at me with disgust and horror. Vince is in the audience sitting with some of his friends. “Isn’t that your girlfriend?” one of them asks. “Uh, no,” he replies. Finally I’m able to think again and I drop my mike and run offstage and towards the exit, stopping at the pay phone to inquire about plane tickets to the farthest country possible. My family finds me. “Joey is better potty-trained than you!” Ariel says. “You should’ve worn a diaper,” she adds, shaking her head sadly.

This scenario played like a weird dream but it didn’t seem too unlikely to me. Except I wasn’t going to be able to afford a plane ticket anywhere, so I’d likely wind up at school the next day.

Without really thinking about it, I went into my closet and got out my bag of diapers. I’d wear one for a little while before I had to get ready. Maybe it would help me relax. I put one on under my jeans and lay down on my bed to watch some TV.

A few minutes later someone knocked on the door. Quickly I pulled my comforter past my waist and said “Come in.”

Vince came in carrying flowers. “I know you’re supposed to give the flowers afterwards,” he said, holding them out to me. “But I know you’ll be great, and I wanted you to know how much I love you when you go onstage.”

I smiled and gave him a kiss. “I love you too. They’re beautiful. Thank you.”

He sat down on the bed beside me. “Are you nervous?”

“Yes,” I said miserably, putting my head in his lap. “My stomach hurts.”

“Poor baby,” he said, rubbing my stomach.

“Will you sing for me?” I asked, giving him a wide-eyed sad puppy dog look and putting out my lower lip.

“I’m sorry, honey, I don’t think I could hit the high notes. Besides, I wouldn’t look nearly as good in the dress.”

I sat up a little and kissed him. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Vince began rubbing my shoulders. “Does this help you feel better?”

“Yes. Actually, I think an all-over body massage would make me feel much better,” I said innocently.

“Really now,” Vince said. “I might just have to do that then.”

“That would be nice,” I said, laying back.

Vince lay down beside me and moved his hands from my shoulders to my breasts. “Does that feel good?” he whispered.

“It’s very relaxing,” I said, kissing him again.

“I was wondering something. Yesterday when I met Andrew, he said you talked about me all the time. What have you told him?”

I grinned. “I told him you gave good oral.”

“You did not!” he replied, slapping me playfully on the arm.

“How do you know? Maybe I like to brag. Maybe I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“Well, I might just have to show off my skills then,” he said, reaching for the button on my jeans. Suddenly I remembered my diaper.

“Wait!” I said, grabbing his hands.

“What’s wrong?”

“You can’t,” I said desperately. “I’m – I – it’s my time of the month.”

He gave me a weird look. “No way. You had your period like two weeks ago.”

“It’s been longer than that,” I lied.

“No, you definitely had it that night we went to the mall, because remember we came back to my house and made out, and that was Friday before last…”

“Oh. Maybe. Well, sometimes I’m irregular like that.”

He was still looking at me strangely. “Maybe you should get on the pill or something.”

“Yeah,” I said, relieved to have his hands away from my diaper area. “But keep rubbing me. That felt good.”

“So why are you so nervous?” he asked. “You sounded great at rehearsal yesterday.”

“I know, but I’m just worried I’ll mess up or do something dumb and humiliate myself.”

“What could happen that would be so awful?”

“Well…yesterday when you came in, I got startled and almost peed in my pants.” He burst out laughing. “It’s not funny!”

“Yes it is!” he said, almost choking on his laughter. “Maybe you should borrow one of Caitlin’s diapers.”

“Not funny!” I said, whacking him with a pillow. Even though he’d been joking, I thought that wasn’t a bad idea, given the circumstances. I could wear a diaper under my dress or take my chances with getting nervous and shaky and peeing myself. I really thought, even taking recent events into consideration, that I was more likely to puke than pee, but it couldn’t hurt to be protected. The only person who might notice was Vince but I didn’t think he’d be feeling my butt with the family around.

The diaper didn’t show under my dress. Jenny did my hair and makeup for me and after that I watched TV and dutifully ate some bagel bites, hoping to settle my stomach. They didn’t really help much. I stared at the TV, mouthing the words to the songs that I’d be singing in front of a few hundred people soon.

“Ready to go? It’s six o’clock,” Jenny finally said.

The mile to the school felt like the longest car ride I’d ever had. I stared out the window like a zombie until Jenny finally dropped me off in front of the auditorium entrance. “Now just relax, because you’re going to knock ‘em dead,” she said brightly. “We’re going to pick up Vince on our way and be here around 6:45 and meet Jessica and all them. We want to get good seats.”

“What if I told you they changed the time and the concert’s not until nine?” I asked hopefully.

“Nice try,” Jenny said, pointing to a banner strung up over the entrance that read “Orchestra Concert May 15 7 p.m.” “See you later. Break a leg!”

“Yeah, thanks. Bye.” I headed for the orchestra room. The orchestra was noisily attempting to tune and play a few practice scales. I thought I was nervous, but Mr. Matthews looked ready to explode.

“We’re still getting our act together,” he yelled at me over the sound of bows screeching on strings. “Andrew’s in the practice room warming up if you want to go over there.”

It turned out Andrew wasn’t practicing at all but rather was sitting down with his legs stretched another chair, listening to Tool and sipping a Pepsi. When he saw me, he paused his CD. “Hey.”

“Hey. What are you doing? We’re supposed to be practicing.”

“Somebody’s a bundle of nerves.”

“Well, we are. We go onstage in 45 minutes!”

“We’re not going onstage for forever. You know it’s going to start late anyway, and then the orchestra has their other shit to get through before we come on. Besides, we’ve been practicing this for forever. Is another 45 minutes going to make any difference?” I sighed. “You know it won’t,” he assured me. “The best thing we can do at this point to ensure we won’t make asses of ourselves is to try to get rid of our nerves. You look like you’re about to pass out.”

“I’ve never sung in front of this many people before!” I blurted out. “I’m not that worried about making a mistake with the music, but what if I trip in front of all these people? Or fall off the stage?” Or they figure out I’m wearing a diaper, I added silently.

Andrew rubbed my shoulder reassuringly. “That’s why instead of thinking about the concert I just chill beforehand. Want a lunchable?” he asked, pulling a couple of the pizza ones out of his backpack.

“Oh my gosh, I haven’t had one of those since I was 8,” I said, plopping down into the chair beside him. “Sure.”

“Here, take a Pepsi, too. I would’ve brought us some beer, but the last time I did that before a concert my teacher kinda frowned on it.”

I laughed uneasily, not sure if he was joking or not. I often felt that way with Andrew. I tore open the lunchable.

“So that guy at practice yesterday was your boyfriend?”

“You mean the one who walked in late and made me mess up? Yep, that was him.”

“Wow. He looked…”

“What? He looked what?” I asked.

“Hey, don’t get defensive. He just didn’t look like someone I would think was your type, that’s all.”

“And you think you know who my type is?”

“I have a sixth sense for these things. I think it’s because my mom’s into all that astrology stuff.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t know about Vince. He’s sweet. And he’s smart. He wants to go to UVA, be a doctor.”

“The University of Virginia,” Andrew said in a mock-preppy voice. “I hope you weren’t planning on going with him. They hate out-of-staters.”

“Hello, I live in Virginia too, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Yes, but you’re from Georgia originally, and they’ll be able to tell that you weren’t born in Virginia. You don’t make references to Thomas Jefferson every other sentence, for example, or wear khakis to football games.”

I laughed. “Vince is a good boyfriend. I guess we don’t have a lot in common. But he’s always been very sweet to me.”

“That doesn’t make him a good boyfriend, though.”

“What would you know about being a good boyfriend?” I asked irritably. “You don’t have a girlfriend. You just have fuck-buddies.”

“Ouch. I’m sorry. I won’t say anything more about him.”

“Good,” I muttered.

“Okay. So…how’s the lunchable?”

We talked for awhile, and when Mr. Matthews came by to check on us he didn’t even seem to notice we weren’t practicing. Finally it was time for us to go backstage and wait for our cue. I was supposed to come onstage after the orchestra finished “Lady Marmalade,” which was being sung by a group of senior girls wearing loud, showy dresses. I would sing one song by myself, and then Andrew would come out, sing a song to me, and we had two more together.
 
While we stood backstage, I peeked out from the curtains. I could see that the 1000+ seats in the auditorium were nearly full. My whole family was sitting in about the middle row center. Aunt Jenny, with her video camera, Caitlin, Cody, Jessica, Ryan, Ariel and even Joey. Vince was between Jenny and Caitlin. Dear God, was that my math teacher sitting two rows ahead of them? And my gym teacher with her husband and kids over in the left section? Sarah and some of my other friends were sitting towards the back.

“There are way too many people I know out there,” I told Andrew shakily. “And my aunt didn’t tell me she was bringing her video camera!”

“Just imagine them in their underwear,” he said.

“What is it with you and underwear? Do you think I want to imagine my aunt in her underwear?”

“Well, I don’t know. I’ve never met your aunt. Is she hot?”

“She looks way too much like my grandma to be hot.” “Lady Marmalade” ended.

“Oh my god, that’s my cue!”

“Underwear!” Andrew hissed, giving me a shove towards the certain. “Mr. Matthews in his underwear!”

I was too busy thinking about Andrew’s underwear fetish when I walked onstage to notice the audience. I took the mike, realizing that I was nowhere even close to peeing my diaper, and on Mr. Matthew’s cue, began singing.

I would give a detailed account of all the songs, but they went by in a blur. The only real disaster was that Andrew’s mike made a horrible noise when he was trying to get it off the stand and for the first time all night, he looked slightly rattled. I also had almost forgotten about the kiss Andrew was supposed to give me at the end of one of the songs and managed to look appropriately startled.

Our voices waved on the last notes and died out. I stared out at the black mass of audience, so silent. Andrew and I stared at each other. Then a huge wave of applause began, with some cheers and soon people were beginning to stand on their feet. Andrew and I stood there grinning. I thought I heard Ryan cheering, and then I heard a voice that was unmistakably Caitlin’s.

“Danielle, you’re fucking awesome!”

A few people gasped, a few more laughed, and heads turned towards the middle row center. Even in the dark I thought I could see Jenny’s face turning red.

“Who was that?” Andrew asked me.

I shrugged. “Who knows? People really ought to get babysitters if their kids can’t handle an event like this.”

“Yeah, really,” he agreed. We looked at each other and started laughing. The whole situation suddenly seemed completely ridiculous all of a sudden. I was standing there wearing a diaper that was slightly damp from all the nervous sweating I’d done, I’d just sung a bunch of corny love songs with a guy I’d only met three weeks before, and my cousin was swearing in public. Still laughing, we ran offstage.

I met my family in the hall. “You didn’t tell me you were going to kiss him!” Vince exclaimed as soon as soon as he saw me.

Jenny handed me a huge bouquet and gave me a big hug. “Honey, you were great. Your mom would’ve been so proud. Good thing I got everything on video.”

“Everything?” I asked. “Even the end when people were cheering?” Jenny pursed her lips. I smiled. “Where’s Caitlin?”

“Waiting for us in the car,” Jenny replied primly.

“Why didn’t you tell me you and Andrew were going to kiss?” Vince asked. Nobody was paying much attention to him.

“You were so good!” Ariel said. “I want to sing just like you when I get to high school.”

Andrew was coming down the hall with some of his family. “Ooh, let’s get a picture of you two together!” Jenny exclaimed. Andrew put his arm around me for the picture. I could see Vince glaring behind Jenny.

“Hey, I think I’m going to take off,” he told me when we were done.

“What? You’re not coming out to eat with us?”

“No, I’ve got a lot of homework.”

“But it’s almost the end of the year! Why don’t you relax a little?”

“Look, I just have a lot of stuff to do, okay?” he said irritably. “Go and have fun with your family, or whoever. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Well, at least let us drop you off.”

“No, I want to walk. I want some time to think.”

“Okay...” My post-concert elation was gone. I gave Vince a kiss. “I love you.”

He looked down. “I love you too,” he mumbled and then pushed his way through the crowd. I watched him disappear. I didn’t feel so great anymore. Why was he so upset? It wasn’t like him to be jealous. Maybe I should’ve told him Andrew was kissing me, but I hadn’t thought it’d be that big of a deal.

“Ready to go celebrate?” Jenny asked. I put on a smile I didn’t feel, and we worked our way out to the car. People kept stopping to tell me congratulations. I felt like a minor celebrity.

Caitlin was sitting in the backseat of Jenny’s van, looking cranky. I settled in beside her. I wished I’d brought underwear with me, because my diaper was making my waist itch and in the quiet of the car it was crinkling a little. I tried not to move.

“So I was fucking awesome?” I whispered to Caitlin.

“You were the shitnay,” she replied, grinning.

“Everyone onstage thought it was funny. Even Mr. Matthews smiled and that doesn’t happen very often.”

“Everything all right with you and Vince?” Jenny asked loudly from the front seat.

“Yeah, I don’t know what his problem was.”

Caitlin snorted. “I wasn’t even there, and I can tell you what his problem was. It starts with an A.”

“Andrew likes you,” Cody said. “He was looking at your butt.”

“Excuse me?” I said, thinking of the diaper I was wearing on my butt at that moment.

“I didn’t notice that,” Jenny said. “But he seems like he’d do that. He’s certainly got enough self-confidence.” She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. “Anyway, I thought we’d go to Lulu’s. You like that place, don’t you?”

“Sure. Anywhere is fine.” I was glad we were going someplace close by, so we wouldn’t have tons of time in the car to compare Vince and Andrew.

But as soon as we got there and met Ariel and her family, Jessica said to me, “So where’s Vince? He sure seemed jealous back there.”

“Okay, let’s play a game,” I said impatiently. “Let’s play the ‘Let’s not talk about Vince’ game for the rest of the night, okay? Vince will be fine! He’s too freakin’ jealous! He’s always been controlling like that; you guys know that. I can’t be expected to fill him in on every little minute detail of my life. It’s not my fault he has like no self-esteem, okay? So let’s not talk about him!”

Everyone just gave me a strange look and went into the restaurant. I suddenly felt stupid. Let Vince be miserable. He knew I cared about him. I was a good girlfriend, wasn’t I?