With April came warmer weather and by the time my fifteenth birthday rolled around, it was well into the eighties.  Cody turned seven a week before, and he got a party with all his friends running around the house, but I just wanted money and that was what I got.  Mom wanted to come visit but couldn’t take time off work; she sent me a card and a gift and told me she couldn’t wait to see me this summer. 

A few days later, Vince came over after school to hang out.  The only way we usually communicate during school is through my friend Sarah, who has a class with Vince first block, and he gives her a note for me, she sees me second block, I write back, and she gives it back to him third block at lunch.  Vince and I don’t even have lunch together, but Sarah says that’s a good thing: if we break up, we won’t have to deal with seeing each other at awkward times.  I don’t like to think about breakups.  Even though we’re doing really well right now, the chances of us staying together forever aren’t great, just because people change…and whoever my future husband is going to be, I want to be totally honest with him about the diapers and so when the time comes to tell Vince about it, if it ever comes, who knows how he’ll react? 

Anyway, the note Sarah slipped to me in English from Vince read “Want to hang out after school?”  I wrote back and told him to meet me by the library after the final bell, but we would have to hang out at my house because Aunt Jenny had asked me to watch Cody after school.  Caitlin is at the age where she isn’t old enough to babysit but doesn’t need a babysitter herself, so she shouldn’t have been any problem, but I was pretty sure Ariel’s mom was working, which meant that Ariel would also be at our house.  Caitlin’s no problem by herself, and Ariel’s no problem by herself, but put the two of them together and you’ve got trouble.  I knew I couldn’t count on having much alone time with Vince, which was okay with me but he’d be annoyed.  Our relationship is a close friendship with the added bonus of making out, but sometimes I think if you asked him what the great thing about our relationship was he’d say making out, with the added bonus of a close friendship.  I don’t mean to imply that that’s all he sticks around for, because we really are friends before anything else, but…well, he’s a horny teenage guy, what can I expect?

We walked home together, trying to step around the puddles from the previous night’s rain.  “Dammit!” I exclaimed as my feet hit an unexpected patch of mud and I grabbed Vince to keep from falling down.  “There go my new Sketchers.”

“You know, there is a solution to this.  We could take the sidewalks to your house.  I don’t think we’re supposed to get chased through an ally by a rabid dog just to get home from school.”

“That dog was not rabid!  Besides, this way is much faster.”

“So what?  Safe, peaceful walks are nice.  The kids can let themselves in if we’re not there yet.”

“I’m not worried about them.  I just have to pee,” I explained.

He laughed.  “Dani, you always gotta pee.  You pee every twenty minutes.  It’s not normal.”

“You’re exaggerating.  Besides, I drink water all day long.  It can’t all stay in me.”

“Well, either you pee two cups for every cup you drink, or your bladder’s the size of a peanut.”

“A peanut!”  I exclaimed in mock anger, hitting him playfully on the arm.  “I’ll tell you what’s the size of a peanut, Vincent!” 

“Keep beating me, and you’ll never get to find out!” he replied, rubbing his arm melodramatically.

“Aw, did you get beat up by a girl?”  We were laughing, but I wish he hadn’t reminded me that my bladder seems to be shrinking every day.  Wearing diapers doesn’t do much for bladder control.  I’m so scared I’ll get to the point where I actually need them, but at the same time I can’t stop wearing.  It’s like asking an alcoholic to just stop drinking.  I have sympathy for drug and alcohol addicts, because if I don’t get to wear a diaper at least once every couple of days, I get irritable, depressed, and horny. 

Vince noticed I had fallen into silence.  “Penny for your thoughts.”

“I don’t think my thoughts are even worth that much,” I replied, forcing a smile.

“Why do you always say that?  Why can’t you tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Oh, so you’re my shrink all of a sudden?”

“No, just your boyfriend and your best friend, for what it’s worth.”

“It’s worth everything.  But I’m not keeping anything big from you.  Just sometimes I think about stuff that I really don’t feel is important enough to say out loud. I’m sure you really don’t want to hear the details of the quiz we took in English today on a book you’ve never read, or the bathing suit sale at Old Navy that we all talked about at lunch today.”

“And that’s what you were thinking about so intently back there?  Bathing suit sales?”

I sighed.  “Look, when we’re together, we’re not going to be talking every second, okay?  You know that, I know that.  When you’re good friends with someone, you don’t have to fill every second with forced conversation.  But when we’re not talking, I don’t just turn my brain off.  I still think, and I’m not going to blurt out every little thought that comes to mind because then what’s the point of silence?  You have no silence, it’s just more forced conversation.”  We’ve had this argument before.  He says I’m too secretive, I think he pries too much.  Why can’t he just accept that I might have some parts of my personality I’d like to figure out for myself before sharing them with others? 

“I know.  I’m sorry.  Just sometimes I feel like you’re hiding a big secret from me,” he replied.

“Well, if you must know…I really thought your hair looked better before you bleached it.”

“Nice save.”  We crossed my yard and unlocked the door.  I ran to the bathroom.  “Do you really?”

“Yep,” I replied through the door.  “You don’t surf.  Stop pretending like you do.  Bleached hair just doesn’t go with the whole band-debate team-honors student image.”

“Maybe I don’t like that image.”  I heard the front door opening.  “Hurry up.  Your cousins are home.”

I came out, drying my hands on my jeans.  “Hey, how was your day?”  In response, Caitlin glared at me and ran up the stairs.  “I guess that means bad.”

“Yep.  She was like that the whole way home.  All I know is that Miranda said ‘Your baby brother doesn’t wear diapers, why do you?’” Cody said. 

“Who’s Miranda?” Vince asked. 

“This really bratty girl in her class,” Ariel replied.  “Her and her sister Nicole think they’re the queens of the school or something.”

“Do you want a snack?” I asked her and Cody. 

Cody shook his head.  “I wanna ride my bike to Patrick’s.” 

His friend lives right down the street, same side even, so I figured it was okay.  “Go ahead.  Don’t forget your helmet.  Call when you get there, okay?”

“Sure.  Thanks!”  I was glad he was going.  Caitlin probably would be more willing to talk to me if I wasn’t paying attention to him. 

Vince and Ariel and I got some cookies and sat down at the table.  “Is that all that Miranda said?” I asked.

“Well, she also kept calling Caitlin a diaper-ass, but usually that doesn’t bother her.”

“You’d think people could come up with something a little more original,” I said. “She needs to learn to fight back.”

“She knows how to fight.  It’s just you get suspended if you do it on school property.”

“I don’t mean fight like that.  She needs to tell them off.”

Ariel nodded.  “I wish she would, too.  She’s been in a bad mood all year long, and I’m sick of it.  It’s like she’s mad because I got potty-trained.  Last summer she told me I was doing the right thing, and now every time I try to make her feel better about Miranda she comes back with ‘What do you know?  You’re potty-trained.’” 

“I feel sorry for Caitlin.  It’s only gonna get worse when she starts middle school,” Vince commented.

“Why do you say that?” Ariel asked.

“Middle school kids are evil,” I told her.  “It’s awful.  If you don’t highlight your hair, pierce your belly button, and shop at Abercrombie, then you’re nobody, and if you’ve got something that sets you apart from everyone, like diapers, you’re below nobody.  You’re an outcast.  You get picked on all the time.  And the teachers are too busy keeping kids from writing on the walls and making sure nobody gets stabbed or shot to worry about the kids getting teased.”

“Wow,” Ariel said, wide-eyed.  “Is high school that bad?”

“Nah, it’s a lot better.  But Caitlin never looks that far into the future.  She thinks if school sucks now, it’s always going to suck, and she’s got another seven years of it, at least.”

“That is a long time,” Ariel agreed.  “But I still don’t think her mom should let her get that operation.”

“What operation?” Vince asked.

“Her doctor thinks he could repair some of the nerves in her bladder,” I explained.  “But he’s not sure if it would be successful at all, and even if it was she would probably still need diapers at least at night.  Jenny says it’s too risky, but Caitlin doesn’t care.”

“I’d want it too, if I were her,” Vince said.  “Poor kid.  She probably never really feels like she fits in.  Diapers are so obvious unless she wears a skirt, and nobody else wears those either.”

  “So you’re saying she should only get it so that she can fit in?  Next year all her classmates are going to be trying out for the cheerleading team and throwing up their lunches to be skinny, are you saying she should do that too?” I argued.  I don’t think Caitlin should have surgery to fix her bladder, at least not yet.  All she wants it for is to fit in.  She’s too ignorant to the risks. 

“You’re comparing apples and oranges.  Surgery really isn’t that risky.  If people go under the knife to get their noses straightened out, then it’s understandable why someone would want to get their bladder fixed so they didn’t have to wear bulky, stinky diapers all the time.  And wearing diapers is probably really inconvenient for her, always having to get changed,” Vince replied.

“Not anymore than always having to go to the bathroom,” Ariel pointed out.  “Caitlin’s a dummy.  She just wants to fit in with the snobs in her class.  I got potty-trained, and do you see me hanging out with those people now?  They’d find some other reason to tease her.” 

The doorbell rang then, and I got up to answer it.  Ryan was standing on the porch steps carrying Joey, who stays with a babysitter while they’re at work.  “Hey, did you get off early?”

“Well, sort of, considering that I’ve been there since six this morning.  I worked my ass off so I wouldn’t have to do overtime.”

“Hi, Daddy,” Ariel said, coming in with her backpack.

“Hey, princess.  Do you have a lot of homework?”

“Not really, just math and language arts.”

“Good, because I figured we could rent a movie and spend some time together before your mom gets home.” 

“Cool!” Ariel said happily, probably already thinking about what movie she wanted to see.  I felt a little jealous.  My parents never spent time with me like that.

“Well, have fun.  I’ll see y’all later,” I said.

“Hey, hold up.  I was wondering if you could babysit later tonight, around nine.  Jess and I wanted to go out.  I know it’s short notice, but we’ll pay you extra, and all you really have to do is get Joey and Ariel ready for bed, and you can stay the night if you want to.”

I hesitated a little, since that was going to be the only diaper time I got tonight, but Ariel pulled on my wrist.  “Please Danielle, please?  You never come over anymore.  It’s fun when you spend the night!”

I think what she meant was that it was fun waking me up in the morning by jumping on my bed, but I never could resist that little girl’s begging.  Ariel gets away with everything because she’s so cute, even now that she doesn’t wear diapers anymore.  “Sure.  I’d love to.”  I figured I could still wear a diaper once they’d gone to bed anyway. 

They left and I went back to the table and stood in front of Vince.  “Hey,” I said, giving him a kiss.

“Ooh,” he replied, giving me a longer one and attempting to pull me into his lap almost like a baby.  “Aack!” he cried as the balance shifted and his chair tilted back.  He struggled to balance the chair and grab me at the same time.  “That didn’t work.”

“Clumsy,” I said, giving him a wet, sloppy kiss.  His hand started to work its way up my shirt, and suddenly I heard Caitlin standing beside us, saying petulantly “Well, I came down here to talk to you but obviously you don’t want to listen.”

“Caitlin!” I exclaimed, standing up to see her running up the stairs.  I sighed.  “I should go talk to her.  I’m sorry we aren’t getting to spend more time together.”

“That’s okay.  I should get home anyway.  It’s my night to cook.”

“Oh,” I said, disappointed.  It probably was Vince’s night to cook, but it always seems like he runs out whenever my family seems too intense, especially since he really doesn’t have much of a family.  His parents both work and don’t talk much to him, and his older sister is never home.  And it especially seems like he runs off when the topic of conversation is diapers.  “Okay.  I love you.”

“I love you too,” he replied, giving me a kiss and gathering up his books.  I walked upstairs to Caitlin’s room and knocked.

“Come in.”  I was expecting to find her crying, but instead she was lying on her floor with her legs elevated about a foot up. 

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing.  And I know what you’re going to say, and you can spare yourself the trouble.  People won’t make fun of me forever.  I won’t be in school for forever.  Someday I’ll find friends who accept me for who I am.  It seems like people spout off a lot of crap about someday, instead of trying to do something so that right now doesn’t suck quite so bad.” 

“Well, what do you want me to do?”

“Tell Mom to let me have surgery!”

“You know your mom…”

“I know, I know.  It’s dangerous,” she mocked, imitating Aunt Jenny’s voice.  “Yeah, well what if I told her that all those kids making fun of me makes me want to shoot myself?  Isn’t that a little dangerous too?”

“Do you really want to kill yourself?”

“No, but I bet if I told her that I did, she would let me get my bladder fixed.”

“Maybe, and you’d also scare her half to death and she’d probably send you to a shrink.”  Caitlin rolled over onto her stomach, grabbed her ankles, and started rocking back and forth.  “Really, what the heck are you doing?”

“I found this site on the internet that said doing these exercises would help my bladder.”

“Caitlin!  You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Maybe if I tear a muscle, I’ll have to get surgery to fix that, and they can fix my bladder too.  You know, I don’t get it.  If, say I tore a ligament in my knee and had to have surgery, would Mom let me get that fixed?  Or would she say that walking is unnecessary too?”

“You know that’s not the same thing.  She just worries a lot, and she feels guilty that you got hurt in the first place even though the accident wasn’t her fault.”

“It wasn’t.  That guy came out of nowhere.  Besides, I should’ve kept my seatbelt on!  That was so stupid!”

“Yeah, but she thinks if she hadn’t taken you guys out when it was raining really hard things would’ve been different.  She doesn’t want to take any more risks with you.”

“Then does she even send me to school?  I could be walking down the hall and one of those big literature books could fall out of someone’s locker and hit me on the head!”  Caitlin sat up and looked at me seriously.  “Can’t you talk to her?  She listens to you more than me.”
 
“Your mom would never listen to me about anything like that!  She thinks of me as an adopted child.  The only person she’d listen to is Grandma, who doesn’t want you to have surgery either, or maybe Jessica.”

“I bet Jessica thinks I should get it!”

“Maybe you should talk to her then.”  Good, then maybe I won’t be the one torn between saying she should get the surgery because it would be good for her self-esteem, or she shouldn’t get it because there’s a small risk anytime you cut into someone’s body, and also her being in diapers makes me not feel quite so strange about wanting to wear them myself. 

“I wish I could just be normal again,” Caitlin sighed, falling back onto her bed as a sign of hopelessness. 

So do I, I thought.  Instead I said, “You are normal.  You’re smart and pretty, and you have a lot of friends who don’t care if you have a disability, and you go to school and play soccer and video games and do normal ten-year-old kinds of things.”

“Eleven in June,” Caitlin reminded me proudly.

“Whatever, and so you have a scar.  That’s really what it is.  It’s not any different than that scar I have from stepping on broken glass a few years ago, remember?”  I flinched at that memory.  “The only difference is, your scar makes it so you have to wear diapers.  It doesn’t change who you are.  All it is is a slight inconvenience.” 

“I know.  I guess you’re right,” Caitlin said, sighing.  “But when the kids tease me, it makes me feel so bad.  I never used to get teased.  I used to be one of the cool kids, and now I’m one of the dorks I used to tease.”

“Well…”  I didn’t really know what to say to that.  “Now you know how it feels.  You’re a better person than you used to be.”  Caitlin looked skeptical.  “I’m serious!”  I sat down beside her and put my arm around her.  “You used to be this little brat who thought you were better than everyone else, and now you’re actually nice.  I mean, you still have a little attitude sometimes but it makes me laugh and you’re a lot more fun to talk to now that you don’t think you’re the coolest person on earth.”

She smiled and blushed a little.  “I never thought I was the coolest person on earth.”  Then she grinned, the same grin she used to get when she was teasing someone.  “Maybe the second coolest, but not the coolest!”

“Oh yeah?  Who was the coolest?”

“You,” she said, serious again.

“Really?  But you usually weren’t even nice to me!”

“Maybe, but I thought you were cool.  That’s why I followed you around and tried to borrow your clothes and stuff.  You thought I just did it to be annoying, but I wanted to be just like you.”

I smiled, but I really couldn’t think of anything to say to that.  It’s flattering that my little cousin thinks I’m cool enough to want to be just like me, especially since I’m not the most popular person either.  It makes me wonder, if I told her I wore diapers for fun, would it make her feel better about having to wear them?  But before I said anything stupid, I heard the door opening downstairs and Jenny yelled “Could someone come help me bring in groceries?”

I jumped up, relieved to escape the awkward moment.  “I’ll go help her.”

Jenny and I chatted as we unloaded the heavy paper bags from her trunk.  “I got some tomato sauce and cheese so that we can have lasagna tonight,” she mentioned.  “I hope that cheers Caitlin up some.  She’s been so down lately.”

“I think the kids at school are giving her a hard time about her diapers.”

“I know, and she’s upset with me for not letting her get her bladder fixed.”

“Well, she thinks it’s kind of silly that you’re so worried about it.”

Jenny sighed.  “Honestly, I’m not that worried about it anymore.  Her doctor went over the procedure with me, and there’s not much risk.  The worst that’ll realistically happen is that it won’t help her any, although I’d hate to see how much that would disappoint her.  But I’m kind of reluctant to let her have surgery just because kids in her class are teasing her.  Caitlin has to learn to accept herself for who she is, instead of running to fix whatever the other kids in her class don’t like.  Wearing diapers is part of who Caitlin is.  It’s as much her as her brown hair or her nose or her figure…and in a way, I feel like if I let her get surgery to fix her bladder, it would be like letting a ten-year-old get a nose job or breast implants.”

“Caitlin with breast implants.  That would be funny,” I replied.

Jenny laughed.  “It’s hard to picture…and maybe this sounds funny, but after three years, it’s hard to picture her without her diapers, too.”  We carried in the last bags and started unpacking.  “So what are you up to tonight?”

“Oh, Ryan asked me to babysit, and I’m going to spend the night at their house.  I’ll leave around nine.”

“That’s really nice of you, to spend your whole night with Ariel and Joey.”

“Oh, I don’t mind.”  As long as they go to bed early so I can still wear my diapers, I thought to myself.