Selling Out
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The Sunday before Labor Day, two days before we had to start school, Caitlin invited Ariel to spend the night. The event wouldn’t have been at all noteworthy, except that at about 2 a.m. Caitlin came in and roused me from the last 10-hour sleep I expected to get until December.

“What?” I grunted.

“Um, something bad happened.”

“What?”

“I think Ariel wet the bed.”

“What?” I sat up, rubbed my eyes and ran my fingers through my tangled hair, silently noting that the diaper I fell asleep in was also pretty wet. It had been wet before I fell asleep but now it seemed even wetter.

“There’s a big wet spot on the bed. And it’s not me.”

I pulled myself out of bed and silently followed Caitlin to her room, where Ariel, who was almost 11 and should have been long past the bed-wetting stage, lay blissfully sleeping in the middle of what was unmistakably a large circle of urine on Caitlin’s new full-sized bed. Fortunately, Caitlin was rather prone to leakage herself and Jenny had had enough foresight to put a plastic cover over the mattress.

“How do you think this happened?” I whispered, absently tugging on the back of my oversized t-shirt to ensure that it was still covering my sagging diaper.

“I don’t know. She never does that anymore. I guess it’s because she drank like, four glasses of Coke before bed.”

“You think?” I didn’t really want to be the one to inform Ariel that her dry-bed streak, however long it had been, was over. “Maybe we should get your mom.”

“Mom has a migraine. She’s not going to be happy if we wake her up.” Caitlin sighed. “This is so gross.”

“Well, it’s not like you’ve never done it.”

“I know, but Ariel’s supposed to be the one with the healthy bladder.”

I shook Ariel’s shoulder gently. She mumbled incoherently. “Hun, wake up.”

“Wha?”

“You gotta get up. You wet the bed.”

There was that moment of comprehension, then Ariel jumped out of bed. “Oh, NO! No, no, no!”

“Hey, don’t freak out,” Caitlin said. “Don’t worry. I get pee on my sheets all the time.”

“Well, thanks, but you wear diapers! I don’t, okay? And I’d like to keep it that way! I can’t believe I did that!”

“I’m sure it was just a one-time thing,” I said, not because I really believed that but because it was the only thing I could think of to say. “Get her something else to sleep in,” I told Caitlin.

We heard the floorboards creak. “Mom’s up,” Caitlin said.

“Crap!” Ariel yanked the sheets off the bed. “Don’t tell her.” She sat down on the mattress and folded her legs under her so the wet spots on her pajama bottoms weren’t so noticeable.

Jenny poked her head in. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, Mom.”

“Why are you changing the sheets in the middle of the night? Did your diaper leak?”

“Yeah,” Caitlin lied.

Jenny sighed. “I think we need to try a new brand. Those Attends just don’t hold up that well, at least not overnight.” She looked at Ariel. “I hope you didn’t get wet too.”

Ariel smiled graciously. “I’m used to it. Caitlin leaks all the time.”

“Well, she can’t help it. You can put your wet stuff in the laundry with hers. Get her to loan you some pajamas.”

“I will.”

“And you three better get back to bed. You need to get used to going to bed earlier.”

“We will,” I promised.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” we chorused back. Jenny left. We froze for a couple of seconds as we listened to her feet squeaking along the floor and then her door opening and clicking shut.

“ ‘Caitlin does that all the time,’” Caitlin mocked, doing a rather high-pitched version of Ariel’s voice. “Ariel, you suck.”

Ariel smiled a little. “Well, she bought it. Guess it must be true.”

“You are so lucky that the bed is covered in plastic.”

“If I were lucky, I wouldn’t wet my bed,” Ariel sighed. “Don’t tell my parents, okay?”

We promised we wouldn’t. “So what do you think caused this?” I asked her.

“I don’t know.”

“Well, did you drink a lot before bed? Did you forget to go to the bathroom?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Ariel sighed. “I had a dream I was using a diaper and that was when it happened.”

“Oh.” I’ve had those dreams before. Except I was at least wearing a diaper when I did.

“Why would you want to dream about that?” Caitlin asked impatiently, any sympathy she’d once had gone.

“It’s not like I choose my dreams!”

“Well, if you’re dreaming about them, you must be thinking about them a lot when you’re awake, too!”

“Because I have to see you wearing them, Caitlin! If you didn’t wear them, I probably would never think about them. Geez, I don’t want to pee in my bed, if that’s what you’re thinking!”

“No, you want to pee in a diaper, and you’re almost 11!”

“Stop fighting!” I interrupted. I glared at Caitlin. “Don’t be mean. Let’s finish the sheets so we can go back to bed.”

I helped them change the sheets, then went back to bed. Like Caitlin, I thought it was weird that Ariel was dreaming about using diapers. I wondered if she really secretly enjoyed such dreams, or if it was just that diapers were such a big part of her past that she couldn’t shake them. I knew from babysitting her and Joey that she had stopped wearing Goodnites to bed a year or so ago, and as far as I knew this was the first accident she’d had since. Caitlin and I both promised that we wouldn’t say anything to her parents, but if she wet her own bed they would probably find out anyway.

I wondered if she had some nerves about school starting that were contributing to the bedwetting. I was more nervous about eleventh grade than I had been before any other year. Most of it was because I knew junior year was supposed to be the hardest year of school, the year where you felt like every test and paper you handed in was going to affect where you went to college, the year with all the AP classes and SATs. And part of it was that I didn’t know how many people had heard me scream about being a DL at Andrew’s party. That was almost a month ago, and nobody had said anything since. I knew there were people from my school at that party, I’d said hi to them, and they weren’t the types to keep quiet either.

The first day of school was about the only day that everyone in my house ate breakfast together. Most mornings, I fixed a bowl of cereal for myself and Cody, since I had to be at school at 7:25 and Cody, although his school didn’t start until 8:15, just was an early riser. Caitlin’s middle school didn’t start till 9 and she slept as late as possible. But on the first day, she was up early trying on different outfits to see which minimized her diaper the most, and Jenny made us frozen waffles.

“I bet Ariel’s mom actually made her a real breakfast,” Caitlin grumbled as she drowned her Eggos in syrup. “I bet she’s eating a cheese omelet right now.”

“Then why don’t you move to her house?” I suggested.

“Caitlin, why are you in such a bad mood?” Jenny asked.

“Because I hate school.”

“I can’t wait for school,” Cody said happily, checking the clock again. “Third grade is upper elementary school. And you get to learn times tables and how to write in cursive.”

Caitlin rolled her eyes. “Big deal. Nobody writes in cursive anymore.”

“Plus, we get to go to the computer lab twice a week!” Cody looked at me. “What do you get to do in 11^th grade?”

I tried to sum up some enthusiasm but it was too early. “Um…we have a higher chance of not having to share a locker.”

 “What are you taking this year?” Jenny asked me.

“AP English, chorus, French 4, algebra 2 with trig, U.S. history, chemistry and culinary arts.”

“Culinary arts? You?” Caitlin started laughing.

“It’s an elective. We have to have a half credit in practical arts to graduate.”

“So is your homework going to be to cook dinner for us? I’m going to have to start eating somewhere else.”

“I think we do all the cooking in class.”

“I’m sure Danielle’s cooking will be excellent,” Jenny said quickly. “I’m looking forward to getting to take a couple of nights off every week so she can show us what she’s learning in class.”

“Joy,” Caitlin muttered, pushing her cold waffles around on her plate. “I can’t believe summer’s over.”

“Maybe you’ll make some new friends this year,” Jenny said reassuringly. “Do you know if Odessa’s going to be in any of your classes?”

“Oh yeah, Mom,” Caitlin said sarcastically. “The second I got my schedule, I ran right to the phone and called her. We just had to compare schedules so that we both know what time of the day she’ll be getting her ass kicked again.” 

Jenny was deluding herself by believing that without Odessa, school would be perfect for Caitlin. Caitlin had hated the strictness of school ever since the first day of kindergarten, when the teacher had informed her that she couldn’t talk without raising her hand and she couldn’t have her cookies and milk until snack time. Caitlin failed to raise her hand when she responded “That’s bullshit,” a new favorite word that she had learned from my dad. I had been walking down to the cafeteria with the rest of the fourth-graders when someone said, “Hey, isn’t that your little cousin sitting there in front of the principal’s office?” The second day of kindergarten, and every day afterwards, Caitlin had been silent and sullen over breakfast, and nobody got to the bus after the final bell rang faster than she did.

“Caitlin,” Jenny said sternly. “You can’t afford to get into another fight. If that happens again you’ll probably have to go to counseling or something, and it’ll go on your permanent record. You might even get expelled.”

“Well, I won’t do it during school then. She lives right down the street from Lindsey. I bet Lindsey would gladly help.”

“Right,” I snickered. “All 75 pounds of her.”

“Those 75 pounds have a red belt in Tai Kwan Do,” Caitlin said, taking her last bite and getting up. “She’s taking the test for her black belt later this month.”

“Danielle, you’d better hurry up,” Jenny said. “The bus will be here in 15 minutes.”

“Are you kidding? Nobody takes the cheesewagon after 10^th grade.”

Jenny sighed. “So who’s picking you up?”

“Well, actually, Vince was gonna meet me here and we’ll walk.”

“OH MY GOD!” Caitlin squealed. “I can’t wait until I’m in the 11^th grade so I can be cool like you and WALK to school! Man I’m jealous! That’s so much cooler than taking the bus! Mom, why can’t I be cool like Danielle?”

“Bite me,” I said, standing up from the table and taking my plate to the sink. The phone rang. I grabbed it, figuring it was Vince reminding me to bring my calculator or something else that only he worried about. “Hello?”

“I dare you to wear a diaper to school.”

“What? Who is this?” I ducked into the bathroom, the only place where nobody could overhear, and closed the door. “Andrew?” I said, more quietly. I heard chuckling on the other line in response.

“Is there some reason why you’ve called me at 6:30 in the morning?”

“I told you. Wear a diaper to school.”

“No,” I said, slightly irritated. “Bad idea. Half the school likely knows I wear them anyway, from your party.”

“So you might as well wear them anyway. Shake up the first day a little. Seriously, you really can’t tell anyway.”

“How would you know? The only time when I’ve worn around you, you didn’t know I was into them then.”

“Thank you, I think you just proved my point. You forget that I used to have a girlfriend who wore occasionally, and yeah, when she tried to squeeze into the skinny jeans, it was kinda noticeable. But most of the time you couldn’t tell. And you’ve said yourself that it’s not as obvious on your cousin as she thinks it is.”

“Well…” The doorbell rang.

“Danielle! Vince is here,” Jenny called. Shoot. What kind of nerdy boyfriend did I have, who showed up at 6:40 a.m. for school?

“Okay, I’ll do it,” I muttered into the phone. “Gotta go. Bye.” I rushed into the front hall to meet Vince.

“We’re going to be late!” he said.

“Give me 10 minutes!” I knew there was no point in arguing with him in his first-day-of-school glory. I ran upstairs and after a bit of thought, decided to go with a more discreet Goodnite rather than a diaper. I put an extra one in my backpack, brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back, grabbed two dollars for lunch and ran downstairs. “Okay, I’m ready.”

We walked quickly through the cool, slightly humid early-morning September air, not saying much. “What do you have first?” Vince asked finally as we entered the building.

“History. You?”

 “AP calculus.”

“Exciting.”

“I like math,” Vince said, pulling out his schedule. “So the only classes we have together are AP English and chorus, right? And those aren’t until tomorrow.”

“Looks that way. When do you have lunch today?”

“I don’t.”

“Oh, that’s no fun. I have it third block. But none tomorrow.”

“I bet our English teacher will let you eat in her class. I heard she’s really cool.”

“That’s good. I hope so.” We had reached the stairs, and Vince had to go up to class. “Have a good day,” I said, leaning over to give him a quick kiss. “Don’t die of boredom in math.”

“I won’t,” he said, returning the kiss. “Bye bye.”           

I met up with some friends in the foyer and we chatted for a few minutes, comparing schedules and catching up on gossip before it was time to head to class. I walked into history and sat down next to a girl I knew from some of my classes last year. I also remembered that she was friends with one of the girls I’d said hi to at Andrew’s party. What if she knows I wear diapers, I thought.

“Hey, Danielle! How was your summer?”

“Oh, not bad. How was yours?”

“Pretty good.” The bell rang, signaling the end of the summer and the beginning of endless tests and assignments. Our teacher introduced herself and began passing out stacks of dog-earned textbooks that were probably published during the Reagan administration.

History class was uneventful, if a bit boring, and when the bell rang, I headed to algebra. History and algebra. What a dull way to start the day. I saw some more people I knew and said hi, and nobody looked at me weird. Apparently anything I’d said at Andrew’s hadn’t been taken seriously, or maybe nobody really had heard. Whatever had happened, nobody seemed to know.

Midway through math, I had to go to the bathroom, and almost without thinking about it I wet my goodnite. I obviously had some control, because if I’d flooded the thing it would’ve leaked, but I took my time. The goodnite soon got cold, though, and I realized I really wasn’t going to have time to change between this class and my next class, lunch. Believe it or not, the lunch ladies were much stricter than most teachers and we could actually get detention for being late to lunch.

Towards the end of class, our teacher let us start our homework. Two minutes before the bell rang, I raised my hand and when the teacher came over, I whispered, “Could I leave early to use the bathroom?”

“Certainly. And what’s your name again?”

“Danielle.”

"Danielle. Okay. Did you have any questions about the assignment before you go?” She was a young teacher and obviously had the naïve assumption that she could inspire us with the mysteries of algebra.

“No, I think I’m good. Thanks.” She signed my hall pass, and I headed to the nearest bathroom. A group of girls were hanging out, apparently already getting the year off to a great start academically. “He just acts so damn eager,” one of them was saying as I ducked into a stall. “It’s like I’m dating a virgin again.”

I started to pull down my goodnite, not daring to rip the sides, and naturally it made the infamous crinkling sound. I froze, but the girls continued the conversation as if they hadn’t heard anything unusual. “You need to dump his ass,” another girl replied.

I wished it was possible to find a completely empty bathroom, but I probably wouldn’t, especially with classes about to end. I rolled the goodnite up and stuffed it into the metal bin conveniently provided for our feminine hygiene products. Then I wiped myself off as best I could with toilet paper, all the while listening in on an extremely detailed conversation about blow jobs.

“It’s like, I think of it as a lollipop that I want to eat slowly and enjoy, and he thinks of it as a popsicle that I have to eat fast before it melts.”

“Uh huh,” someone else said sympathetically.

I pulled the clean goodnite on. The bell rang. “We’d better get to lunch so we don’t have to stand in line forever,” one of the girls said, and I heard the door opening and squeaking shut as they left. But seconds later, the door opened again and I began to hear the usual between-classes crowd coming into the bathroom. I quickly pulled up my pants, grabbed my backpack, opened the door with my other hand and exchanged half-smiles with the girl waiting for my stall. Whew. Mission accomplished. I decided not to drink much at lunch.

The rest of the day went smoothly, and I didn’t use the goodnite, not even at the end of the day. Instead, I just used the bathroom. It was all fun and games to wear to school, but actually wetting and having to change was different. After school, I met up with Vince, and we walked over to his house together.

“What do you want to do this afternoon?” I asked as he quickly slathered some peanut butter onto bread.

“Eat.”

“So I take it your teachers weren’t that nice about letting you eat in class?” I asked sympathetically. He took a huge bite and shrugged. “What else do you want to do?”

“Make out with you,” he said with his mouth full. He swallowed and gave me a peck on the lips. I kissed him back and tasted peanut butter.

I took his free hand and started pulling him towards the stairs. “I can deal with making out.” Vince took another bite. “Honey, put down the sandwich.”

“I can’t. I need food, or I might pass out.”

“Oh, trust me. You won’t pass out.”

Ten minutes later, we were in Vince’s bed in various stages of undress with his sandwich growing stale in the kitchen. It wasn’t until he reached for the button on my jeans that I remembered the goodnite. I wondered if I should warn him, but a second later it was too late.

“What are you wearing?” he asked, and then seemed to answer his own question. “Aren’t those for kids who wet the bed?”

“Well, it’s thinner than a diaper.”

 “Whatever.” He took his hand away from my jeans and rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“Whatcha thinking?” I asked.

“Nothing much.”

I sat up and climbed on top of him. “So, you were about to take my jeans off…”

“And?”

“You didn’t finish.”

“I’m not in the mood anymore.”

I kissed him. “Well, I could get you back in the mood.”

“I’m not in the mood to get back in the mood.”

“Well…maybe we could watch a movie.”

He sighed. “You should probably just get going.”

“What? We were going to spend the whole afternoon together.”

“Well, I have a lot to do. We can hang out later this week.”

“Oh. Okay.” I hesitated. “Are you mad?”

He gave me a quick, obligatory kiss. “No, I told you, I just have a lot to do.”

“Okay. Well, call me later if you get a chance.” I kissed him, trying to turn it into a long, lustful kiss but he let go quickly. “Bye.”I walked home slowly, mulling the day over in my head. Why exactly had I worn a goodnite to school, just because a guy I talked to maybe once every two weeks suggested I should? I would probably think it was odd too, if I were in Vince’s shoes.

Still, it wasn’t fair to blame the distance between us just on the diapers. We had seemed off for months, and I wasn’t sure why. Come to think of it, he’d been distant ever since last spring when I did the concert with Andrew. And it made sense. Vince was a sweet guy generally, and he was probably a genius when it came to school and grades, and I was sure his practicality and predictability would make someone a happy wife someday. But it didn’t always make for the most interesting high school relationship, especially when we’d been together for over two years.

Andrew, on the other hand…well, he wasn’t boring. And he liked that I liked diapers.

When I got home, Caitlin was lying on the couch watching reruns of Family Guy. “Move,” I said, grabbing her legs and trying to drag them out of the way. She curled her knees up lazily.

“How was your day?” I asked her.

“It was okay. People changed a lot over the summer.”

“You mean they look different or they act different?”

“Mostly they look different. Some of the guys got a lot taller. And a lot of girls have boobs now. Big ones. This one girl is like a D cup.”

“Wow.”

“And Odessa isn’t in any of my classes, thank God.”

“That’s good.”

“Yep. It’s going to be an interesting year.”

“Seems like it.” I propped my feet up on the table, glad to veg out after what seemed like an endless day of school. In the back of my mind, I waited for Andrew to call to see how everything went. But he never did, and Vince didn’t call either.